My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
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(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.