Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
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I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Shower sex be like:
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.