friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
excuse me
Are we there yet?…
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat