When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”