WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
You Might Also Like
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014