When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.