IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?