If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how