REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
absolute chaos
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Huge, if true.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.