[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.