My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
me as a parent
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.