*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Uh oh…
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL