*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…