Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.