My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Ah yes. The three genders
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.