I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it