[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
where do you see yourself in five years?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt