Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.