A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
taking June’s advice to heart
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.