Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
They’re the worst 😩
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab