“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”