Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Krampus.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket