I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
happy mother’s day❤️
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…