Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.