Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when