[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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Owl Sanctuary
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ