“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You Might Also Like
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*limbos away from your hug*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I’m aging like a fine banana
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
cat vs inanimate object
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”