How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
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Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
This raises questions
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”