As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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Hey
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Hey
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Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
having children is a pyramid scheme.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this