My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone