My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know