Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
You Might Also Like
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
peep davidson
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.