it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
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That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
A French press is when you hug naked
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty