Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.