Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Anyone want a chair?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.