Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My dog ate my work from home.