On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭