*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.