Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
the greatest twitter interaction
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.