Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.