Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
me doing my best
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.