daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles