100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.