The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.