I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms