I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice