There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.