Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
This has made my week.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
LOL!
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.