Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
You Might Also Like
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.