The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The pen is writier than the sword.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.